The Teacher and The Lawyer

"So you avoided him, stalked him and then found out that he sneakily got married behind your back?"

That's not exactly how I would have phrased it, but yes.  He was/is a lawyer and its important to note that before I avoided him I befriended him in a flurry of emails and make outs right up until he avoided me, which he did until I relocated to the Big City and ran into him at a random neighborhood bar (because really, the Big City isn't that big) at which point we resumed our friendship and emails without the making out ... which was good because I was also sort of dating the teacher at that time.  I think that those few weeks might have been the most complicated my love life has ever gotten ... wanting to date the lawyer, or at least have him want to date me, but actually dating the teacher and liking him as well.  Eventually they both went away, first the lawyer, then the teacher, suddenly gone.  With the teacher it made sense, but with the lawyer I was confused.  It was an on/off switch that got flipped. Twice.  We just stopped talking and never ran into each other again until I found myself on the same corner as him this weekend and pretty much ran into on coming traffic to avoid an encounter. 

So I avoided.  And then looked him up on our mutual alumni site and realized that he's married.  I immediately wished that I had noticed the girl he was with and wondered how he managed to get married without me knowing.  I mean I googled him at least once a year ... it seems it should have come up.

But it didn't.  And I'm certainly not upset to learn he's married, just a bit surprised.  And kind of I wonder why we couldn't have remained at least casual friends - the first time I ever rode the subway I was with him and he introduced me to one of my favorite burger joints ... but I guess the friend to friends that make out transition is easier than the friends that make out to casual friends transition.  Which is troubling.  Even though it makes sense.

my side of the line (aka, the irish oak)

now i'll admit that i was empowered by the knowledge that you were forbidden to see me.

but then, i was drunk on the fact that you wanted to see me.  and couldn't.

left to our own devices, we would have enforced the edict by dividing the city into quadrants.  each taking a north, a south, an east and a west.

high on the thought of passing at the axis.

but to plan as such, would have defied the edict.

and we were visitors in the familiar midwest city.  at the mercy of our hosts.

so you sent your messenger with your coordinates.  and i abided.  i did not kill the messenger.  i established a perimeter. i vowed to stay away.

i did my part.  and went to the local corner bar.  stayed on my side of the line.

in this game, you are the straight laced rule follower and i am the emotional wild card.  if i was in place, we should have been in compliance.

so it never occurred to me, that if while drinking my drinks in the front window booth i had yelled out your name, you would have heard.

despite your deviation from the plan, we abided by the edict until our groups tired of the night at the exact same time.

to say that my heart did not skip a beat and that my world did not spin would be to lie.

we embraced and muttered speechless mutterings.  we planned our escape to cover up the violation.

when i exited you looked right through me.

i realized then that i was empowered by the knowledge that you were forbidden to see me.

the fact that you wanted to see me but couldn't, or wouldn't, was heart wrenchingly crushing.

but i come back to the irony of us sharing drinks, me in the front bar, you in the back.  despite the edict.

and then, if we were afforded one more conversation i would have used it to discuss the winds of fate that led us there.  i would have expected our theories to be thrilling, captivating, intellectual.

but now, if we were afforded one more conversation, i might decline for fear that without the enchantment it would be pedestrian.  a disappointment.