Hard

Admittedly, I tend toward the melodramatic, but I feel that life's been hard lately.  Which is maybe why I haven't written.  Because this is supposed to be about so much fun, and lately it seems that I can barely get through the day.

I've been trying really hard to go to yoga once a week, and in every class my 'intention' is to 'accept the things I can not change' because otherwise I labor through my day worrying about those things.  Its a long list and it bring me to hyperventilation or tears almost daily.  It includes broad out of my control things like: the economy, my personal job security, whether the country will possibly recover from the next 4-8 years in my lifetime, if the boy has disappeared or is just busy, if he's disappeared why, if I like him anyway, if I'll ever get married, if I'll ever have kids, if I could in good faith bring a child into this world given the way I feel about the next 4-8 years, when Joe Biden's predicted attack will occur ... and I'm sure there is more.

I've also been insanely busy at work (which is good) but makes it hard for me to fit in workouts which in turn makes me more inclined to worry anxiously.  

A vicious circle really.

But I'm trying. Some days and weeks start off with good resolve.  And tomorrow has potential - yoga and a haircut in the morning and then probably a long day of work ... not ideal, but at least a plan.  And I am planning races and maybe ski trips and possibly a Christmas party - all things to look forward to and well within my control.

So just know that I'm here and I'm trying and I'll be back with more regularity when hyperventilating isn't taking up so much of my time:)

Later.

October is a Boring Month Anyway

I mean really, I don't like Halloween and that means October is really just time after the summer and before birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  So I skipped it, at least for purposes of this blog.  But I was out there doing whatever it is I do to occupy my days.  

In this time I learned that trying not to care works right up until you start to care.  And when you start to care, it all goes away.  Its just the way life works.  At least for me.  The transition from caring to not is harder than the transition from not caring to caring but marathon and football watching with friends makes it easier.  Right up until there is a lull in the conversation and the silence crashes down around you, leaving you to wonder how you'd explain breaking inexplicably into tears without sounding like a raving lunatic.  And sometimes if you just express how miserable you are it makes it better.  Even if you decide the easiest ear is your engaged ex-boyfriend.  Which makes you pathetic in addition to miserable but at least not crying in the bar. 

I also learned that its easier to work out before work now that the clock have changed.  Its easier to eat well when there is good food in the house.  And yoga.  I like yoga.  And as we sit potentially on the brink of a great depression and our country is faced with a decision that if made poorly will be disastrous, I just hope for the "serenity to know the difference" because if you can't control you can't change it no matter how hard you try.

On Wednesday I age another year.  I hope this past month is not indicative of what the next year is going to be.  Argh.