There is a 10 ton gorilla in my life.

I wanted to tell him that we could talk without discussing what happened. We could touch on any of the other infinite topics that we've floated on and over before. But really we can't because what happened would remain out there, undiscussed, just beyond our reach and our comfort level making all the other topics seem trite and he would know that we were discussing the triteness to avoid discussing what happened.

Moving on, I thought I might ask the question that if answered would tell me everything I need to know. But if the answer is yes and not no, there will be nothing left to discuss which will mean the end of us. Of this. And I'm not ready for that. Although I expect it at every turn. I expect the answer to reveal itself without the question being asked and I expect the answer to be yes and I know that would be the end. Or I expect the undiscussable to become too much to hurdle, and this will slowly go away without us knowing why or how.

I expect the end, but I'm not ready. So I said nothing, asked nothing and woke up hungover with a vague sense of regret and of opportunities lost and of having to dry my hair for a date. I'm gearing up for the date but I don't want false friendly. I want to ask the question and I want the answer to be no. I want to discuss what happened and decide that this is the beginning of us, the continuation of this, the end of nothing. I want comfortable and easy not forced and contrived. Instead, I'm getting a drink with a guy named Fred. Poor, Fred.