There is a 10 ton gorilla in my life.

I wanted to tell him that we could talk without discussing what happened. We could touch on any of the other infinite topics that we've floated on and over before. But really we can't because what happened would remain out there, undiscussed, just beyond our reach and our comfort level making all the other topics seem trite and he would know that we were discussing the triteness to avoid discussing what happened.

Moving on, I thought I might ask the question that if answered would tell me everything I need to know. But if the answer is yes and not no, there will be nothing left to discuss which will mean the end of us. Of this. And I'm not ready for that. Although I expect it at every turn. I expect the answer to reveal itself without the question being asked and I expect the answer to be yes and I know that would be the end. Or I expect the undiscussable to become too much to hurdle, and this will slowly go away without us knowing why or how.

I expect the end, but I'm not ready. So I said nothing, asked nothing and woke up hungover with a vague sense of regret and of opportunities lost and of having to dry my hair for a date. I'm gearing up for the date but I don't want false friendly. I want to ask the question and I want the answer to be no. I want to discuss what happened and decide that this is the beginning of us, the continuation of this, the end of nothing. I want comfortable and easy not forced and contrived. Instead, I'm getting a drink with a guy named Fred. Poor, Fred.

How I got my HICKEY

(aka, Another Triathlon)

The Swim (42:56)

Welcome back kids. We left off with my less than aggressive swim start, which may or may not be something to work on for next year and the theme of the day was "bad things happen when you wake up at 4:30 in the morning."

The race started rather uneventfully, due to my race placement, there was very little contact that I was not initiating. And I don't initiate much contact. When I sense I'm coming up on another person I draft while I can and then politely swim around them. The only person that I did initiate contact with was some chick who was swimming perpendicular to the shore. And, um, the race was parallel to the shore. I felt it was my civic duty to reorient her. Although, she seemed displeased. Next time I'll let her swim to Portugal.

So, I was swimming along when I realized a bad thing: I didn't start my watch. Rather than recording some random partial swim time I decided to press on without stopping to start my watch. One of the best things about this swim course is that I prefer to breath to the left and the buoys were always on our left so I always knew when one was near. I got to the first buoy quickly and realized a bad thing: I had no idea how many buoys there were. And I like to count them to gage my progress. Ugg. I wanted to go back to bed. But still I pressed on and by the second buoy was fairly certain that we had one more round buoy and then a triangular turn around buoy. Knowing this calmed my inner OCD. There was a bit of congestion at the triangular "turn here" buoy (and this is where the super fast people from the wave behind me were fast approaching so I was eager to "turn here" and get out of their way) but I got around it and the next turn buoy and started to head home. It was on this trip home that I realized I still had a long time left in the water. Bad thing: have you ever been in an endless pool? Me neither. But, imagine that the return swim was similar to swimming in an endless pool. With a blind fold on. Because the current was against us and the sun was directly in our eyes. And in an effort to not let the waves push me to shore (which I couldn't see because I was breathing to the left per my preference and to avoid staring straight into the glaring sun) I wound up WAY off course, like almost getting hit by on coming swimmers off course, but I readjusted and pressed on some more and assumed I was sort of going the right way, and eventually it was over. Of course, long before it was over, while I was seemingly swimming in place I noticed that my neck was getting a bit tingly, and then it was sort of hot, and then it was freaking on fire hurting like a MF'er. And now I have a wet suit hickey. And its huge and it still hurts. But I still love the new guy - just need to lube up better next time;)

Getting out of the water (I made a really funny face) I had no accurate time because I failed to start my watch, but I knew the real time was just passed 7:30 and I knew that I wanted this to be closer to 7:15 than 7:30. I obviously wasn't thrilled with this extra time, but considering the sun and the current and my detour I accepted it (also, I'm not sure what the other options might have been).

Note for next year: tinted goggles; lots of body glide.

T1 (4:16).

Putting on a wetsuit sucks. But generally you can take your time. Taking off a wetsuit in a hurry sucks infinitely more than putting on a wetsuit with no time constraints. But I managed. Last transition I didn't put my helmet on tightly enough and had to stop mid race to fix it. This time I put my helmet on properly, put on a little jackety thing (it was chilly) and left thinking everything was in order. Bad thing: Of course I failed to velcro one of my shoe's velcros and it made a weird noise the whole time. I know its early and the adrenaline is pumping but I've got to pay more attention here.

The Bike (1:38:41)
So.Much.Fun.

Seriously. I'm not fast. And sort of I'm not sure I want to be (its kind of scary) but this was So.Much.Fun. Like a roller coaster fun. The up hills were definitely up, but manageable and the downhills were THE FUNNEST. I even went 27.9 mph for awhile which is the fastest I've ever gone ... and I really wanted to go 28 mph but I was too afraid to shift my weight or do anything else to go faster because that same movement might have made me fall and despite being THE FUNNEST it was still TERRIFYING. Seriously. Shortly after this, I had an ah ha! moment. SBR (the store) Swim, Bike, Run. I am so SMRT.

So that was the bike, I rode, I ate, I drank (bad thing: although not enough, I went camelback again, but there was a crick in the hose thingy and it was hard to get water out and I like ALOT of water when I ride; next time), I figured out what SBR stands for and I finished the course.

T2 (3:19)

This could have been faster. But I had a lot of water to drink. I was parched. Or as some would say, perched.

The Run (1:06:45)

This was advertised as Flat, Fast and Fun. It was flat and I had fun. Lets leave it at that. I ran all but the rest stops which was my goal and I finished which was The Goal. Towards the end I tried to repeat "Flat, Fast and Fun" in my head and I could.not.do.it. I started thinking I was suffering from over exhaustion. It kept coming out "Fat, Flast and Fun" and at first I couldn't even tell why that was wrong (but I knew it was) and then there was another ah ha! moment when I realized what it was supposed to be. But I still couldn't say it right. Until the very end when I got it out in my head: "Flat, Fast and Fun." I finished happily knowing that I was not going crazy.

So that was that (Overall: 672/733; AG: 45/55). Not winning anytime soon. But it was So.Much.Fun. Or at least, once I got home and took a shower I realized that it was;) Monday I was sore but by Tuesday I was working out again ... slowly, but still getting out there.

And next ...? We'll see. Probably a practice tri with Susan in two weeks and then I have some other ideas but I want to see how the winter goes. I have a quasi leadership position with the local tri team so I want to go to more of their workouts and see where I am come February. I think I definitely want an early, early season race for winter motivation, but that is as much as I know for certain.

More later kids. Thanks for reading;)

I have a huge HICKEY!

Bad things might happen if you wake up at 4:30 in the morning.

So yeah, I have a hickey. A huge hickey on my neck. It hurts like a bitch, but I'm kind of proud of it. In fact today, at work, I wore my hair up so everyone would see it. Its from my new love. I got rid of the old guy because it was just too small, and as it turns out, size does matter. So I upgraded to a bigger and better model, and I tell you, a little bit bigger made a world of difference in my swim. Swim? Yes, swim, my new WETSUIT, made a world of difference in my swim. What did you think I was talking about ...?

Anyway, get your mind out of the gutter ...

This past weekend was possibly my final tri of the season (sort of, there might be one more informal, impromptu one, but for all intents and purposes it was the final tri of the season). The water was going to be cold enough that most people would be wearing wetsuits, and since we've established that my old wetsuit was the cause of most of my open water issues I decided to upgrade. I went to a store and paid full price for this guy. I even had a wetsuit expert of sorts helping me. It was interesting. I tried on three suits (which I really don't recommend. ever. it was perhaps expected that i would be sweating profusely by the time I put the third suit on, but my hands? they were sooo sore ... almost more sore than the rest of my body today, after the tri ... and rubbed raw in two places that i apparently over used in an attempt to not rip the wetsuit) and my expert friend determined that my old guy was in fact too small. He initially thought I should get (and I really wanted to get) this cool women's specific model because it had pretty pink accents. But, I am apparently not women's specific enough (or as the expert guy said "its kind of big in the chest") so I wound up with the cheapest blue 70 wetsuit in a size S/M. It seemed like it would work, but I wanted to try it once before jumping into the water Sunday morning.

You call this calm?

Sara and I made it to the race sight around 2 o'clock on Saturday. The race had a day before pick up and was 2.5 hours from our homes so we had to travel the day before. The plan was to go straight to the race sight so that one or both of us could go for a pre-race swim. But this purportedly calm bay water was choppy and not welcoming at all. I did not want to put Sara in a position to have to save me if I drowned so I decided to forgo the swim. So yeah, good things don't happen when they revolve around a 4:30 am wake up. Fortunately, we had 16 hours for the wind to die down.

You call this a football game?

After packet pick up we headed to the hotel (much, much nicer than the extended stay america which is what all triathlon weekend hotels will forever be compared to) and settled in to watch our college team play football. So.not.fun. I have never played football in my life but I think I could have played better than our team. At half time I couldn't take it anymore so we decided to watch the rest of the game from a bar while we ate dinner. Yeah, the game was so depressing that the bartender refused to put it on. Needless to say we lost.

Your oatmeal is exploding ...

Pre race nutrition did not go smoothly in room 32. Sara's oatmeal exploded and she opted for a granola bar. I forgot to get the ultra-fuel that I usually drink pre race with a cliff bar. I substituted gatorade which tasted much better but probably had 1/5 of the calories.

Does anyone have a flashlight?

It was DARK when we arrived back at the race sight. So dark that we couldn't tell if the water had calmed down. Many people brought flashlights and running head lamp things. Not us. Next time. I scored a key end spot in transition and set up my spot ... I spent a fair amount of time making sure that my front wheel that needs to come off when I transport my bike was on properly and the brakes were not rubbing. I kind of suspect they were rubbing in the last tri and was hoping for a more enjoyable bike this time around.

The hour or so before that start went quickly. Long port-a-pottie lines and tedious wet suit shimmying made the time fly I guess. Some random girl asked me to help her apply copious amounts of body glide to her neck. If only I had asked her to return the favor.

I'm not even showered this early on a work day ...

Our wave went off at 6:44 am. Dear lord. This was my fist in water start where I couldn't stand and my first time getting the new wetsuit wet. With the old wetsuit I never felt that it added that much buoyancy. But this thing ... it was like wearing swimmies. Just bobbing along waiting to be told to start. I probably could have positioned myself up a bit more if I kept my off to the side position. But given my typical under trained not in it to win it state I hung back ... next year with a bit more confidence I'm going to try some more aggressive swim placement. Maybe.

[to be continued ... among other things, i'm waiting on official times, i'm sure they'll be impressive]

I tried ...

... to be mean. To be offered the opportunity to explain that I am not what he made me look like and feel like. I am not that person (other than when he puts me in a position where I can not help but be that person - and i'm not usually the person that gets put in the position where she has to be someone else). But, there were mind games and twisted words and we wound up where we are and I don't want to be here so I tried to be mean so that I would be offered the opportunity to explain the thoughts and feelings of how I got here without having to be someone who explains thoughts and feeling unsolicited.

But at the end of the day, or more accurately the week, of trying to be mean and cold in hopes of being offered the opportunity to explain why and how, I was stuck between a rock and hard place and I chose to stop being mean and cold because I needed to get through the day. I broke the quasi email silence and I told him why it was the worst day of the worst week ever. And he offered words that distracted me which was what I needed. And then, at the end of the worst day in the worst week ever I met him at the bar and had 4 beers on an empty stomach and it made the worst day in the worst week ever seem not that bad. And it lessened my resolve. And it made me think that maybe even if he made me feel like 'that' girl I still might need a bit of his distraction and levity. And maybe, maybe that's okay. At least until monday.