(because all the cool kids are doing it)
I spent the penultimate (heh, love that word) day of this decade at my parent's house drinking a martini and playing wii. I thought it was a good way to end a not particularly good year. The next morning I was one block into my drive home, stopped at a stop sign when another car skidded into me. I'm really not mentally prepared to handle things like this and after I called the police, and insurance and the tow truck I declared I was cancelling my trip to Vermont and (once someone transported me to my apartment) I would never leave again except to go to work, the grocery store and maybe the gym.
It was rather reminiscent of how I kicked off the decade - freaking out about the world potentially ending before I even graduated law school. Going to Costco the day before Y2K will do that to you - people were stocking up on generators and bottled water like we were gearing up for nuclear war. That year, I eventually pulled myself together and headed to a party with some friends of law school friends at the beach. Like everyone else we watched the new decade begin in country after country and nothing catastrophic happened. I might have been accused of over reacting.
By the second half of 2000 I was in my 3rd year of law school and ready to be done. Apparently that is a common occurrence although I think I had an extreme case of it. To get me through and shake things up a bit, I befriended a 2nd year law student (we shared a night class and he had a car - a great catalyst for friendship) who would go on to work at my firm and who had gone to college with me (although we didn't know each other) and made his friends mine for the rest of that year. Many of those people arrived in New York a year after me and are still part of my circle of friends. I spent 12/31/00 in Chicago and wondered if maybe committing to New York was a mistake. I know that Chicago would have worked out fine, but I'm pretty sure New York was the right choice. At the time, I just wanted something with no law school association and Chicago was all college.
In 2001 I graduated from law school, took (and passed) two bars and spent 3 weeks before my new job (and the end of life as I knew it began) in Europe (Prague, Vienna, Venice, Florence, Cannes, Dijon & Paris). Then the day after I signed my first Manhattan lease, the world fell apart. Somehow I handled that much better than Y2K - I guess tangible horror is easier to deal with than horror of the unknown variety. Ten days later I moved in and started work. I think the sadness all around me made the newness of work and city living easier to handle. Any feelings of loneliness or disconnectedness were really nothing compared to what was going on around me. And you couldn't help but feel inspired by the way the city came together.
I think I worked more in 2002/2003 than ever again in my career. I remember regularly arriving home from work at 5am on Saturday morning and heading back to the office on Sunday. I went on my first business trip which was also my first trip to California and for the first time rented a car and drove myself to the hotel in the dark (funny how that was anxiety causing then, but now I wouldn't give it a second thought). I felt like I was a kid playing grown up and was impressed that I pulled it off. In the winter/spring of 2002 I dated the teacher and the lawyer but both had disappeared by the summer which was fine because there was too much work to allow for any sort of balance.
All of the work I was involved with finally ended or came to a natural pause at the same time - the Friday before labor day weekend and I found myself lost and slightly despondent (and by despondent, I mean just plain out of it - free time for socializing was a novelty) as I realized that I would be able to enjoy the weekend and the much anticipated football game and scrambled to come up with a plan. My former 2L law school friends were arriving to New York as was the ND football team for the Maryland game at Giant's stadium. They came to my rescue and convinced me to head to Jersey for a party the night before the game. I went reluctantly, taking the long way and listening to sad music and drinking coffee on the train. I knew that I needed more than just work in my life, but with the teacher and the lawyer gone, I wasn't sure where to look.
Sometimes I wish the insane busyness at work had lasted one more week. [ha ha]
Because, it turns out I didn't have too look far. That night I met Ryan - I believe we complimented each other's sunglasses. Mine were children's sunglasses purchased in France during my post bar trip. Ryan's were from one of the Chicago festivals near the Irish Oak. Funny what we remember. Anyway, Ryan reads this blog sometimes. So ... that was a fun, drunk, flirty weekend that cheered me up and got me excited for the fall in general and then of course more specifically when we stayed in touch and visited and then became a couple. Seven years later I can admit that success in that scenario would have been hard to impossible, but at the time I couldn't imagine an ending that didn't involve a house in the suburbs and a kid by the time I was 30. It was easy and comfortable and made the hours I was working a means to an end. Plus I got to get out of town to Chicago and see my college friends on occasion. It was my first grown up relationship and while it was fun and easy and comfortable while it lasted, it was crushing when it ended. Fittingly on Labor Day weekend (and over the phone [insert snide comment]). Fortunately I had just purchased season 1 of 24 on DVD. I think I watched all 24 hours in 2 days because every time I stopped, I'd hyperventilate.
For the most part it was a miserable fall of 2003. And while its easy to place blame for that, I probably would have been fairly miserable regardless of who I was or wasn't dating. I was again super busy at work and at some point, no matter how much you like your job (and I did still more or less like it then) the inability to have a "life" gets to you. I recall it being touch and go for awhile, but somehow, despite the busyness I made time for Brian's wedding after which Ryan made out with another girl and then called me at work to change his flight and ask to stay at my apartment. Which I allowed because I'm a schmuck. But it at least made the transition from sad to angry complete (although it took a few days to really get my head around that situation)! My friend's (now ex) husband also came to town twice that fall and hit on me both times. I remember wanting it to just be quiet but there was all this chatter and it made me want to scream. Fortunately, around then I started running with a group in central park and that saved my winter. When you're running it is quiet except for your breathing and I liked that. I needed that. I met some great girls and ran my first 10K (it snowed and was made a 'fun run' so I have no idea what my time was).
Running made me feel connected to the city for the first time since living there. And since I started running, I've tried to run in all the cities I visit. One of the group's coaches, Jen, mentioned once how running is a great way to get to know a city and I couldn't agree more. It was also a great way to at least feel like I had a life despite the hours I was working - I could sneak in a run before work (or when normal people are sitting down to dinner - and then I'd head back to the office) and at least feel like I had done SOMETHING.
I went to a lot of weddings in 2003-2004 many of which I was in. I travelled to Virginia in a blackout and risked eating little gnats that felt the need to die all over the place. I learned that weddings can ruin friendships and suspect I may never agree to be a bridesmaid again. I also ran a lot of races - enough to qualify to run the NYC Marathon in 2005 - and tried to be more New York by going to fancier bars and restaurants. Basically I tried to become the anti wholesome relationship girl (to the extent you can while still enforcing all my ND rules). It was fun, but maybe not fulfilling.
By 2005 I was tired. Towards the end of 2004 I met Mike, I moved to Hoboken, someone threatened to send me on a business trip that would have prevented me from running the marathon, I got out of the business trip, I turned 30 and I ran the marathon. It was a lot. I then stayed with Mike for months longer than I should have, just because I didn't know what to do next and being with Mike afforded one a lot of time for rest.
In 2006, when my relationship with Mike finally ended I felt a profound sense of relief. On the surface I was sad, but deep down I was ecstatic and terrified that I would repeat this horrible mistake. That not quite a year is one of the few things in the past decade and maybe my life that I regret. I feel like it spiraled out of control and all I wanted was for someone to tell me it was wrong and needed to end, but no one did and so I stayed because it seemed, on the surface at least, like the thing to do. I still can't imagine how I'll trust myself if I ever actually start talking to boys again.
For the end of 2006 and well into 2007 I celebrated my freedom. Some might say I went on a bender:) But, I l like to think that I was just taking advantage of my surroundings, embracing the city on my terms which happened to involve a lot of irish bars and beer and bar food. It was fun. I also trained for and raced my first triathlon - a sprint. It of course came at an awful time work wise, but I got through it. And sucked Sara into this madness in the process (I've never seen such a willing accomplice!).
In 2007 I made some large purchases pretty much all on a whim - a bike and an apartment! I went to Pat's wedding in Costa Rica and spent the week pre-wedding with Sara, Scott, Dave, Ara, Ryan and Ryan's now wife and somehow everyone got a long (at least to my knowledge) and it was probably one of the best vacations I've ever been on. There was pretty much nothing to do except relax - we ran, drank, swam, sunned, hiked, played cards, laughed uncontrollably and then saw Pat get married and we all headed back to our real lives. While I was gone, the senior associate that I worked with ALL THE TIME, had a baby and upon my return I picked up much of her work.
And wile her maternity leave was hectic, it was eye opening. When she returned, I didn't want to continue being her junior associate when it was clear that I had managed more or less her work load on my own. Unfortunately (at the time, fortunately in hindsight) it soon became clear that my options were limited. Therefore ...
In January of 2008 I started my second grown up job. A life changing decision that I have yet to regret. More then anything, the new job gave me time to have a real life. I have some semblance of control over my life so I hired Liz, did one half IM in 2008 and two more in 2009 (one of which - Rev, was the hardest physical thing I've ever done - I still have my race number on the refrigerator and think of it often!). I joined a summer share. Made new friends. I have time to cook dinner and/or get drinks after work. I started skiing again and took a trip to France! Other then France and Rev, nothing in the past 2 years has been epic, and it certainly hasn't all been rosy, but its been good and it launched me in to 2010 and a new decade ready for ...
More.
This post has been around for awhile, but I hadn't put it up (and am only now putting it up because Dave responded to a post that was over 3 months old so I felt I had to put something new up) because while it was a fine decade (not awesome, sometimes depressing and bad, but for the most part tolerable and fine) it ends with wanting More. And while on some level I guess we should always want More, this particular version of More is hard. I can stand up straight and smile (and maybe finally tell gym dude my name) but for the most part there is little I can do to make More happen. For someone like me, accepting that is hard. I'm used to trying and practicing and getting some incarnation of the goal of the moment. But with More, I realize (although its still hard to accept) that whether or not More happens and the exact form it takes is out of my hands. So even though its hard and seems to get harder everyday, I'm focusing on living and being and having fun and not hyperventilating or obsessing over More.
And I've been working out a ton and broke the "no sports with balls" rule and started paying tennis - a game that is sure to result in some funny stories. I'm sure you can't wait!
