Random Thoughts

1. If you live in an apartment building and want to have an all out screaming, yelling, cursing fight with your girlfriend/wife/lover and you opt not to use your inside voice, you risk people like me listening intently while we wait for the elevator to take us to the gym. People like me who then scrutinize every couple that lives on that side of the elevator bank and wonder if it was them. I really need to get to know my neighbors better. And I hope it wasn't the newly wed couple, but they do live closest to the elevator bank and anyone else would have to have been yelling really loudly.

2. Sometimes you spend the day in a weather/hormone related crappy mood obsessing about the state of your (non) dating life and how you're destined to spend the rest of your life alone and when you hear the couple down the hall having a screaming, yelling, cursing fight you realize that maybe the state of your (non) dating life is just fine, thank you very much.

3. Sometimes you also stalk an old person of interest on FB and realize that yes he is married but he also has serious man-boobs so again, maybe the state of your (non) dating life is just fine, thank you very much.

4. What exactly goes through your head when you decide to elliptical in just a sports bra?

5. More importantly, what exactly goes through your head when you decide to elliptical in just a flesh colored sports bra (or really do anything in just a flesh colored sports bra - in fact, what goes through your head when you buy a flesh colored sports bra?)?

Random Updates

• A quick trip to Vegas (my first! and probably only!) followed by a 10K are all that separate me from my two weeks of rest.  And I can not wait.
• But I will still have to go to the gym and pretend to work out.  In order to see my gym/church boyfriend.
• Speaking of which, I think I led him to believe that I run 20 min/miles.  I'm slow but not that slow.  But when I tried to explain I started to sound defensive.  So I let it go.
• Next time I see him I'm going to ask him his name.  Or should I first tell him my name?  How does that go?
• Also, what do you call the person who collects the money in church?  Because he did that this weekend and almost touched my boob with the collection basket.  I might bring this up as well.  The fact that he was in church and served as the [money collector?].  Not that he almost touched my boob.
• It is finally getting cold out.  Which is good because I have so much skiing planned this year. But bad because I might have to turn on the heat in my apartment.  I made it through November and was going to try for December with no heat. But right now my hands are numb from the cold.
• I am so tired and hungry that I wonder (again) if I have a thyroid issued.  But I'm always accused of having one (an issue stemming from the thyroid) and never actually found to have one.  So I should probably just eat a cheeseburger.  Except the NYT scared me away from ground beef.  Another reason to hate the NYT.
• Goodnight.  

Because she asked ...

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said something to the effect of  "people will come in and out of your lives, but true friends will leave a mark on your heart."*  I have friends.  And then I have friends that have left a mark on my heart for reasons I really can't explain.

S is a true friend.

We first met when our mother's decided that in an attempt to make our transitions to high school less awkward we should join the field hockey team and enlisted the local gym teacher to give us some lessons in my backyard.  We both made the team and played for one year.

Field hockey wasn't our thing and really, there was no escaping the social awkwardness.

We did however both swim on our separate swim teams and we spent our summers life guarding.  And let me tell you ... those were the days.

But I digress.

S is now a triathlete and I take some responsibility for that.  I encouraged her to sign up for her first race and brokered the deal pursuant to which she bought Sara's first bike and made it hers.  I convinced her to sign up for her first oly race, which she DNS because she wound up pregnant - which was good (the pregnancy - not really the DNS). 

But she is back in the swing of things and I will be with her for her first oly in a few weeks.  I also knew that she was planning on her first 1/2 marathon a few weeks ago.  As is typical of my life lately, I got the weekend of her race mixed up and told her I was going to be in town for it and would be there to cheer (I in fact had plans to be in town the next weekend).

When S asked if I wanted to run the race with her, I couldn't say no.  So I said yes, only sort of querying as to whether it fit within the plan (it sort of did).  As a result I was with S for literally every step of her first 1/2 marathon.

And let me just say, we've come a long way since field hockey in my backyard.

I was there to run with S, not to beat any records.  So the goal was to beat 2:30 and we did with 7 minutes to spare. In the beginning I thought I'd stay with her for a few miles, maybe half the race, maybe even the first 10 miles and then I'd see what I had left.  But as we ticked off and talked through consistent rainy 11 minute mile after consistent rainy 11 minute mile I really had no desire to go off and suffer on my own.  I did have the desire to make sure that S met her goal.

I remembered back to when I started running and would meet my group one night a week and every Saturday.  I thought of the people that stayed one step ahead of me offering up distracting banter through my first 10K, my first 1/2 marathon and my only marathon.  I remember those friends fondly even if they didn't really leave a mark on my heart.  

So together we ticked off the rainy miles one by one.  I was with S when ran further than she ever had before, I was with her when she ran longer than she ever had before, I was with her when with 1 mile left she was ready to be done and I was with her when I lied about where the finish was (I was really confused, I THOUGHT it was right there) and she started her sprint to the finish too soon and thought she'd have to walk in it - she didn't, I slowed down so she could catch up and with puking a distinct possibility we finished strong together.

So despite the crappy conditions, it was a good day, a fun day, with a friend.  And really that is why I do this.  For the friends (and the license to eat).

Subsequent to my race with S I did my first multi-sport event of the season.  And, um, wow.  More on that later this week.

*Yeah, I know that the real quote states that "many people will walk in and out of your life, but true friends will leave footprints in your heart."  The cheese factor there is a bit too high for me though.

And it all Becomes Clear

The last two posts?  About a boy.  But you knew that, right?

And tonight?  I changed the profile on my phone/blackberry so that text messages and emails have a different notifying tone.  Because otherwise, every time I got an email my heart stopped as I wondered if it was a text.  

This is the metaphorical equivalent of starting to lead and stopping the dance.  You find yourself standing there awkwardly wishing you were still dancing but glad you stopped before you stepped on his feet.  

And now?  I'm waiting for the next song to see if I'll try the dance again or retire to the bar.  

Either way, it bodes well for the race on Sunday - the boy and running aren't related in reality, but in my head its as if I've got something to prove.  Or at least I need something to justify heading to the bar.  And for now, my vote for sushi won, so I'm off to dinner.  

Happy weekend kids.

On Dancing as it Relates to Life

It’s not that I don’t like to dance. I do. Sort of. I’m not very good at it, but like most things involving coordination, if you watch those who are good at it and take a deep breath, you can make yourself improve. Maybe not dramatically, but at least enough to make it look like you sort of know what you are doing. Of course, when those around me are “dirty dancing,” which was often the case this summer, I’d just as soon belly up to the bar. I guess it’s the Catholic schooled girl in me, I like to leave room for the Holy Spirit, thank you very much. And so, I’m left with people thinking that I just don’t like to dance and thus I don’t get many opportunities to dance. And it’s all fine. You can find me at the bar.

Because of this, I forget how amazing it can be to dance with someone who knows how to dance. And who leaves room for the Holy Spirit, thank you very much. It’s hard for me, because I … no surprise here … tend to want to lead. Which defeats the purpose of dancing with someone who knows what they’re doing. I was fortunate enough in college to have a standby, good friends-only guy who would accompany me to dances when necessary. And he knew how to dance; but, to make this work, I’d have to focus HARD on not leading and before I knew it, we’d be dancing.

I recently had the opportunity to dance with someone who knew what they were doing, and even after a few drinks I had to focus HARD on relaxing and only doing what he was guiding me to do. Kind of like when you get a massage and they tell you to let you arm or leg go limp. It’s HARD. HARDER than you think it should be since you’re essentially doing nothing … But if you try hard enough, close your eyes if you have to, you can be led. And before you know it you’re dancing and its fun, right up until you think about it and step on his feet.

And so, that’s what I’m trying to do now. In life, not on the dance floor. To focus on not focusing and see where it takes me. Its hard, really hard. But fun. Sort of. Right up until I step on his feet. At which point, you can find me at the bar.

There's Something Happening Here

And its exciting.  I think.  I don't know for sure, because I try as hard as I possibly can not to think about it.  Its as if I'm afraid that the force of my thoughts will make change it.  So, given this state of paranoia, I certainly can't write about it here because WHO KNOWS what would happen then?

But fear not.  I plan on running a half marathon this Sunday, so we can talk about that soon;)

Later, kids.

On Facebook and its Evils

or, With a Lump in My Throat and a Knot in My Stomach

I think it was the way I found out and the silence that followed that bothered me more than the news itself. And maybe there was a small part of me that thought we’d always wind up together - although, deep down I’m pretty sure I knew we wouldn’t. I acknowledge that the recent silence was probably my fault, coupled with his travel and the girl. But it wasn’t an unprecedented silence. It had happened before and one of us always reached out. This time it was me. On facebook of all things.

And when I wrote on his wall that we had to "get together soon and catch up" he didn’t respond. He just updated his status to ‘married’ and posted a picture of Them.

So, yeah. To summarize, he was my first crush, my first kiss, often my best friend, the only boy I’ve brought to my parent’s vacation home, someone who has both seen me cry and made me laugh until I cried. And he told me he was married by updating his FB status. I guess that means he doesn’t want to be friends anymore?

Even though we weren’t actively friends, I still considered him a friend … until yesterday. And I guess this explains the lump in my throat, the knot in my stomach and why I couldn't fall asleep last night. That and the world at large was warned to save all Announcements until September. I guess he doesn’t read the blog.

As an aside, I have to decide whether to spend this weekend at my parent's vacation home or at the beach and I'm not leaning one way or another. What do I do about that?

On Fishing and By Request

I've been quiet lately. Honestly, I've been in sort of a 'my friends are getting married and I'm still getting drunk' funk. And there is not much to say about that. Its not like I want to change where I am, I just wish everyone else would slow down and hang out with me here. I'm not sure why we're rushing to not live in sin.

But, Ryan complained about lack of blogging. And because I'm hypersensitive and like to please everyone and don't like to have anyone mad at me, I feel bad abandoning him and the other (four) readers of my blog. That's the kind of girl I am. I aim to please all, even anonymous blog readers and recently betrothed ex boyfriends. Ha!

So, I'm on vacation with my sister and my parents. Which is likely contributing to my current state of mind. Just so you know. And its also led me to start fishing. I never really saw the lure (get it, lure ... ha, ha) in fishing but I figured I'd give it a try. And on my sixth cast, I caught a striped bass which we brought home and ate!

I'm so glad I can be a hunter not a gatherer.

And the high of reeling in the fish ... better than the high at the finish line of any race I've ever done. And I'm hooked, so to speak. Even though I've yet to catch another. Its addicting because at any moment the fish could be swimming right by the lure, ready to latch on. Its in my blood I think. Grandpa Frank fished until the moment he died. Literally. They found him on the beach with a fish on the line next to him. I can really think of no better way to go. Not that I really like to think about 'going'.

So that's me. Fishing, swimming, relaxing on the beach and trying not to obsess about that which I can't control. Like I've ever succeeded at that. Having some wicked strong drink that made last night a little hazy and not wanting to go home. But not really wanting to stay either. I'm sort of in limbo I guess. But there are things on the horizon that I'm very much looking forward to. I'll write a funny less rambly post about those things soon.

For now I just wanted to say hi and let ya'll know I'm still here.

The next thing I write will be happy, I swear.

I'm tired. Mentally and physically tired. And emotional too. A great combination. Sunday we got home from grandma's around 10:30 and I went to bed at midnight. Monday I couldn't get up to workout and worked out for 1:30 after I got home from work. At nine. And then I made dinner. Tuesday a hockey game got out at the same time as my class and I got home at 11. Last night, our local bar that is closing wouldn't let me in, I got home form dinner and NOT going to the bar at 10 and decided to get in my workout. I finished around 11:30.

So its not surprising that I'm tired, physically or mentally really.

This time of year I always think back four years to when this Friday was April fool's day and my sister pranked me by saying she was pregnant. Except she almost gave me a heart attack and I didn't talk to her for 3 days. That Saturday two of my friends met and hit it off. The first weekend of this month they got engaged. And I only found out today because a third friend (who got married in Costa Rica last year) emailed to announce that he and his wife are expecting a baby so there'd be a one year old at the wedding of the other two friends that got engaged earlier this month. To find out like that made me sad. I know that people fall in love and weed out the relationships that don't matter as much. But you know what? If I had known I wasn't going to matter I wouldn't have given her subway directions to every single interview she went on that fall. I wouldn't have snuck out of work to rehash the interviews with her. I wouldn't have been there. Except I know that is a lie. I'm always there and even if I knew then what I know now, it doesn't mean that I would have mis-directed her to the 1&9. It just makes me sad, that they decided that they just didn't want to be my friend anymore. I think I'm pretty cool. Not a bad person to be friends with ... So yeah, imagine how I react when I find out that ex-boyfriends are getting married. Or when 'real' relationship ends.

And I realize that its silly to be this upset over something that matters so little in the grand scheme of things. So I must be mentally tired. Which is why I am leaving shortly to go shopping. And my next post will be happy. Really. I swear.

my side of the line (aka, the irish oak)

now i'll admit that i was empowered by the knowledge that you were forbidden to see me.

but then, i was drunk on the fact that you wanted to see me.  and couldn't.

left to our own devices, we would have enforced the edict by dividing the city into quadrants.  each taking a north, a south, an east and a west.

high on the thought of passing at the axis.

but to plan as such, would have defied the edict.

and we were visitors in the familiar midwest city.  at the mercy of our hosts.

so you sent your messenger with your coordinates.  and i abided.  i did not kill the messenger.  i established a perimeter. i vowed to stay away.

i did my part.  and went to the local corner bar.  stayed on my side of the line.

in this game, you are the straight laced rule follower and i am the emotional wild card.  if i was in place, we should have been in compliance.

so it never occurred to me, that if while drinking my drinks in the front window booth i had yelled out your name, you would have heard.

despite your deviation from the plan, we abided by the edict until our groups tired of the night at the exact same time.

to say that my heart did not skip a beat and that my world did not spin would be to lie.

we embraced and muttered speechless mutterings.  we planned our escape to cover up the violation.

when i exited you looked right through me.

i realized then that i was empowered by the knowledge that you were forbidden to see me.

the fact that you wanted to see me but couldn't, or wouldn't, was heart wrenchingly crushing.

but i come back to the irony of us sharing drinks, me in the front bar, you in the back.  despite the edict.

and then, if we were afforded one more conversation i would have used it to discuss the winds of fate that led us there.  i would have expected our theories to be thrilling, captivating, intellectual.

but now, if we were afforded one more conversation, i might decline for fear that without the enchantment it would be pedestrian.  a disappointment.